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How to Install Lattice

  1. Determine whether you will install crown molding (in the living room) or lattice (around the deck) today. Weigh the pros and cons of each. Decide that lattice involves fewer steps, and besides—the weather’s gorgeous . . . might as well work outside.
  2. Measure area to be covered by lattice. Calculate how much lattice and trim will be needed. Calculate again. Then triple-check figures, just to be sure.
  3. At Lowe’s, locate cart and head to the back of the store. Encounter man who is attempting to convince his wife that they need lattice. Stand back and watch his demonstration since he’s completely blocking access to the materials that you need.
  4. Load cart with appropriate amount of lattice and trim. Leave couple negotiating their project in the lattice aisle, and proceed to checkout.
  5. After paying double what you expected the project to cost, take merchandise to car. Fold seats down and attempt to wedge 4’ x 8’ sheets of lattice into 3’ x 6’ opening. Secure lattice with straps and head home with hatch open.
  6. Carry materials to back yard. Discuss best method for cutting lattice to size. Use sawhorses? Or place on deck, using objects found around the yard to prop up edge that hangs over upper level? Debate merits of each.
  7. Let dog outside.
  8. Leave to retrieve sawhorses from basement. Return to find J.P. hunched over lattice placed on deck floor, nearly sawing through his foot.
  9. Argue. Point out safety merits of sawhorses, plus added benefit of less back strain from not having to bend over. Place lattice across sawhorses and watch it sag in the middle to the point of uncuttability (yes, it IS a word).
  10. Swallow pride. Return lattice to deck floor and prop up one end with plant stand. Use case from circular saw to support other end. Swear under your breath. Cut first piece to size.
  11. Let dog inside.
  12. Determine that first piece is too big to fit. Return to deck and trim off another few inches.
  13. Cut trim pieces to fit.
  14. Let barking dog out.
  15. Install first section and trim pieces. One down! Celebrate!
  16. Notice dog hoovering up bits of plastic sawdust. Put dog inside.
  17. Measure, cut, and install subsequent sections.
  18. Halfway through project, discover that you need approximately twice as much trim as you purchased. Refer to step 2 above. Determine that you only accounted for vertical pieces of trim, forgetting the need for horizontal trim.
  19. Repeat steps 2-17.


And I have to include this one last shot:

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